This is a blog that I have wanted to write for sometime now but only wanted to do it once I felt the time was right and I could put my own experiences down honestly.
Postnatal Depression is something of a taboo but I know my own experience was helped by reading the comments of fellow sufferers, real people with real lives that were experiencing the same emotions as I was, that is the reason that I have been keen to do this. Before I start I want to say very clearly that this only my account of my postnatal depression and not a general overview, everybody suffers it to different degrees with different symptoms but if this blog encourages just one person to get the help that is readily available then I will feel I have achieved my goal!
Postnatal Depression is something of a taboo but I know my own experience was helped by reading the comments of fellow sufferers, real people with real lives that were experiencing the same emotions as I was, that is the reason that I have been keen to do this. Before I start I want to say very clearly that this only my account of my postnatal depression and not a general overview, everybody suffers it to different degrees with different symptoms but if this blog encourages just one person to get the help that is readily available then I will feel I have achieved my goal!
I had my first child in November 2003 and really enjoyed being a mum, of course it had it's challenges but I genuinely loved being a mummy. We decided to try for no.2 and in October 2006 I found out I was expecting, we were thrilled. I hadn't had a great first pregnancy and my second one wasn't any better just harder because I had a three year old to look after too. On June 2007 our daughter arrived and I felt a connection with her straight away. I felt so lucky, my son absolutely adored his new sister and I think the word i used regularly was that our family was "complete".
I am a very emotional person so expected to have moments of baby blues but never thought for one minute that i was a candidate for postnatal depression, i think this was the reason that I wasn't actually diagnosed until the November.
I first started to think things weren't right when I started snapping at my husband and more frequently at my son. I noticed my tolerence with my son had declined and
I was permenantly on his case. I flitted between moments of being annoyed at him for the smallest things and then moments of crying because i felt that I wasn't being a good mum to him.
I could cope with everyday things like the nursery runs, feeding and changing nappies but anything else would just throw me into a tizz! I had always been very comfortable with my friends but all of a sudden i started to think that they thought i was a bad mum and was becoming convinced i was the topic of conversation.
I went for my six week check late August and spoke to the doctor and told her that I was very teary but then shrugged it off telling her i thought i was just tired. She spoke to me about postnatal depression but i wasn't at a stage that i was ready to accept that. You see, I am a childminder so cope with large groups of kids on a regular basis, so it didn't make sense to me that I wasn't coping, I chose to forget that emotions were involved and of course hormones!!
I am a very emotional person so expected to have moments of baby blues but never thought for one minute that i was a candidate for postnatal depression, i think this was the reason that I wasn't actually diagnosed until the November.
I first started to think things weren't right when I started snapping at my husband and more frequently at my son. I noticed my tolerence with my son had declined and
I was permenantly on his case. I flitted between moments of being annoyed at him for the smallest things and then moments of crying because i felt that I wasn't being a good mum to him.
I could cope with everyday things like the nursery runs, feeding and changing nappies but anything else would just throw me into a tizz! I had always been very comfortable with my friends but all of a sudden i started to think that they thought i was a bad mum and was becoming convinced i was the topic of conversation.
I went for my six week check late August and spoke to the doctor and told her that I was very teary but then shrugged it off telling her i thought i was just tired. She spoke to me about postnatal depression but i wasn't at a stage that i was ready to accept that. You see, I am a childminder so cope with large groups of kids on a regular basis, so it didn't make sense to me that I wasn't coping, I chose to forget that emotions were involved and of course hormones!!
It wasn't long after this that things started to get rocky between a close friend and I and I just couldn't cope, I began taking every comment about my son personally and became convinced that all our mutual friends were talking about him behind my back. I spent hours crying and trying to avoid get togethers. Kids fight, i know that but I came down on my son like a ton of bricks everytime he even looked like he might do something out of line. I would get so wound up and frustrated before we would all meet up that it didn't take much for me to get annoyed with my son and take him home as punishment and then I would spend hours analising every comment, converstaion and look. This went on for weeks and my relationship with my son deteriorated everyday and this broke my heart. Eventually my friend and I fell out over the comments and I know that I didn't deal with it the way I normally would but I went to pieces and hid from everyone, I avoided phonecalls, text messages and meetings with our mutual friends and eventually broke contact with them.
This was my turning point, this was when i took a step back and looked at my relationship with my son. I realised that my paranoia was not just limited to friends but to absolutely everyone. I would get in a state taking my son to nursery and then spend the two and a half hours he was there panicking about picking him up and having to communicate with other people. I felt scared and completely lacked confidence in myself. On the other hand I had a few friends and my family that I felt safe with and it is those friends and family that gave me the strength to go and seek medical help.
I remember walking into the doctors surgery for an early morning appointment. I had insisted on going myself, I didn't know it at the time but my husband was in the carpark waiting for me. I went into the doctors office and I broke down and it all came out, how I thought everyone thought I was a bad mum, my anxiety in social situations, my anger towards my son and husband and my desire to be reclusive. That was the hardest but the most rewarding conversation I have ever had. My doctor was fantastic, she diagnosed PND straight away and suggested that I took anti-depressants and this time I agreed. I left that surgery as if I was floating, I actually had a diagnosis and more importantly a chance to get well again.
The anti-depressants took a couple of weeks to kick in and at first they made me feel slightly sick. I remember feeling slightly better each day until I felt normal again. I could be rational, organise my time but most importantly I laughed again with my son. I remember him telling me that he loved it when I smiled and I hadn't smiled a lot lately, although it broke my heart it also made me realise it wasn't too late to sort out relationship, that had been my greatest fear of all!
Many people are sceptical about anti-depressants and I must admitt I was on that side of the fence too until I actually had experience of them. The pills made me have clarity with the situation, I could see what and who was important in my life and what and who not to waste my energy on. My relationship with my husband improved and I realised how lucky I was to have a happy marriage and two fantastic kids, as a family we really work! I was very lucky and each day that I took the pills I got stronger and closer to coming off them. I came off them in the following April and I was terrified that I would slip down the slope again but I came off them slowly and coped well.
It is now a year on and I am doing great. My son is 5 now and is one of my best friends, I miss him when he is at school but look at him and am so proud of the way he is turning out. I have changed and instead of seeing this as a negative experience I see the positive. I have become more focused on my family and have definitely become a stronger person, I am proud of my achievements and definitely see getting over PND as an achievement.
The best thing I ever did was go to the doctor and face up to my problems and I would encourage anyone who thinks that there is the slightest chance they have PND to go and talk to their GP. No-one judges you because you have this, the only one judging will be yourself.
I have included some links at the side of this blog to sites that I found useful.
This was my turning point, this was when i took a step back and looked at my relationship with my son. I realised that my paranoia was not just limited to friends but to absolutely everyone. I would get in a state taking my son to nursery and then spend the two and a half hours he was there panicking about picking him up and having to communicate with other people. I felt scared and completely lacked confidence in myself. On the other hand I had a few friends and my family that I felt safe with and it is those friends and family that gave me the strength to go and seek medical help.
I remember walking into the doctors surgery for an early morning appointment. I had insisted on going myself, I didn't know it at the time but my husband was in the carpark waiting for me. I went into the doctors office and I broke down and it all came out, how I thought everyone thought I was a bad mum, my anxiety in social situations, my anger towards my son and husband and my desire to be reclusive. That was the hardest but the most rewarding conversation I have ever had. My doctor was fantastic, she diagnosed PND straight away and suggested that I took anti-depressants and this time I agreed. I left that surgery as if I was floating, I actually had a diagnosis and more importantly a chance to get well again.
The anti-depressants took a couple of weeks to kick in and at first they made me feel slightly sick. I remember feeling slightly better each day until I felt normal again. I could be rational, organise my time but most importantly I laughed again with my son. I remember him telling me that he loved it when I smiled and I hadn't smiled a lot lately, although it broke my heart it also made me realise it wasn't too late to sort out relationship, that had been my greatest fear of all!
Many people are sceptical about anti-depressants and I must admitt I was on that side of the fence too until I actually had experience of them. The pills made me have clarity with the situation, I could see what and who was important in my life and what and who not to waste my energy on. My relationship with my husband improved and I realised how lucky I was to have a happy marriage and two fantastic kids, as a family we really work! I was very lucky and each day that I took the pills I got stronger and closer to coming off them. I came off them in the following April and I was terrified that I would slip down the slope again but I came off them slowly and coped well.
It is now a year on and I am doing great. My son is 5 now and is one of my best friends, I miss him when he is at school but look at him and am so proud of the way he is turning out. I have changed and instead of seeing this as a negative experience I see the positive. I have become more focused on my family and have definitely become a stronger person, I am proud of my achievements and definitely see getting over PND as an achievement.
The best thing I ever did was go to the doctor and face up to my problems and I would encourage anyone who thinks that there is the slightest chance they have PND to go and talk to their GP. No-one judges you because you have this, the only one judging will be yourself.
I have included some links at the side of this blog to sites that I found useful.
